I will marry Jenny Lewis.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Saudi Arabia in our fabulous Apartment.
		We will have 19 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a Blue Segway.
		I will spend my days as a Badass, and live happily ever after.

I don't belong here,
take me out of here.

keep those curious eyes
and the courage you need
to be an amateur at anything.

when you were in love with me.
It was only two weeks ago.

I can't lie, this whole thing
makes me want to die. My better
senses will keep from ever doing
something like that.

I just want it to stop hurting
and I want to stop crying.

I've missed you for a little over twenty years.
You were born three years after me,
but that doesn't really matter.

You're 1,500 miles away from me,
but that doesn't matter either.
It hasn't ever mattered, because
I love you unconditionally.

I was on the planet for you
to find, I feel. You found me
over a year ago now and my life
has been much better because of it.

In fact, I'd say that you changed my life.
You've taught me patience, you've inspired
me to be a better man, and you've shown me
that love has no boundaries.

I've had relationships before, of course.
Long ones, too, and with amazing girls.
Not to discredit them, because they have
also made me into who I am today and have
taught me lessons as well.

Just, you've done more than they have without ever
being physically close to me. You are my world.
You give me a reason to pray, live, and grow.

I can never have you out of my life now. I hope that
we will be together for all time, that we can be
boyfriend and girlfriend and maybe one day
husband and wife. I want to make love with
you every night and wake up in tangled mess of sheets
and entwined bodies every morning.

Times are rough right now, but I don't blame you or anything.
I want you to be happy, because you deserve it. You may feel
like you're hurting me so much that you'll lose me, but nothing
and no one could ever take your love from me.

I know that you love me dearly and
I hope that your love for me never changes.

This is the most touching thing anyone has
ever said about me and it came from your mind:

"Perhaps that's 'cos love is a energy,
and you could feel it, too.
I have so much love for Bradley that it simply radiates, really.
It's amazing.
I love giving and receiving that feeling to the world.
He's my heart."



I'll never forget those words.

This entry is my attempt to put into words
how I feel about you, what you mean to me, and what
you've done for me. No words could ever come close to
describing you, so I only have these details. I know they
fall short of the task I set out for, but love is found
in the process of things. Love is a process, a journey,
and an adventure.

I want this adventure to go on. I will make it to you, my love.

I've been out walking
I don't do too much talking
These days, these days.
These days I seem to think a lot
About the things that I forgot to do
And all the times I had the chance to.

I've stopped my rambling,
I don't do too much gambling
These days, these days.
These days I seem to think about
How all the changes came about my ways
And I wonder if I'll see another highway.

I had a lover,
I don't think I'll risk another
These days, these days.
And if I seem to be afraid
To live the life that I have made in song
It's just that I've been losing so long.
La la la la la, la la.

I've stopped my dreaming,
I won't do too much scheming
These days, these days.
These days I sit on corner stones
And count the time in quarter tones to ten.
Please don't confront me with my failures,
I had not forgotten them

there is so much space between
myself and the world. some of it
is self-imposed, some of it is
inherent.

it's so hard to erase it.

brother, i am so proud of what you are.
i wish i that i had your strength.

i cried when talking to grandma...
we were talking about you. she said that
when we were little, you would always tell
her about how interesting you found me.

you really thought that i was something.
i never knew that, though i know you love me.

there are some days when the world lets me
feel like i am worth something. but, most days
it is hard to get out of bed.

this is why i don't have a job. not because
i don't want one, only that i can't see why
one would want me. i can't bring myself to
tell it to anyone that will listen.

not to father, not to mother, and not to you.
not to many people in my life at all, really.

i know the family is becoming frustrated and
i don't blame them. i do not resent them for it.

talking about it makes it real, though. at the
same time, i find myself unable to describe my
thoughts and my condition. if someone asks why
i feel the way i do, i really have no answer
close at hand.

i only ask that you stay with me.
i know that you will, brother.

even after you start flying those planes...

i'll have my good suit on,
you'll put that whore's dress on...

baby we're going in style.

it's been fourteen weeks
since my last post.


fuck you.

says that you're too
beautiful of a note.
if i tried for you,
i'd just surely choke.








cryptic entry brought
to you by the hour of
7 p.m. on September 3, 2007

This summer should
be called "how to be alone".

For once, I don't mind it much, though.


Sure, going out more would
be kinda nice.
It's not everything though.

Plus, there are only so many
people I feel like doing anything with.



I've been reading a lot, sleeping a lot,
and working a lot.

I'm close to my goal of saving 1,000
towards the London trip next summer.

Goals feel better than people for right now.
It'll become mixed in with people more so
when I go back to school in about a month.

this isn't new.


i just wanted
to put it behind
me; but no, alone
again.

I want an all day friend,
like the ones we used
to have as kids.

Someone that would
do stuff with you
all day, someone you
could always turn to.

I don't have any
friends here anymore.
No adventures, no plans...


I'm sure I could make
it through the job application
process easier if I had
someone to come with me.

Someone that would be
there to tell me I've
got a chance, to tell me
that I have to go into that
place & apply, to tell me
that I'm just as good
as everyone else.


As it stands,
my stomach is
in knots and
I feel like
throwing up.

& That's just
at the idea of
getting dressed
to go out and
apply for jobs.

maybe i should
get back to taking
my medicine.


my head is
falling apart again,
block by block.

the number stations
are sending the wrong codes,
the secret agents at the other end
getting the wrong instructions.

3-9-7-1-5.


at least i've had lunch
with claire for two days in a row.

i want to have
lunch with her tomorrow now,
even though i told her i might not
get to earlier today.

hopefully she gets online,
so i can tell her that
i'll be at lunch tomorrow.

she tries so hard
and does make me happy;
i just need my head
together.

Everyone, feel free to donate money to me.
I have a 135 dollar speeding
ticket to pay & I have uhm...
no fucking money.

I called today to see
how much my ticket was,
& they told me 135 dollars.

WHAT?
For going thirteen over
the speed limit on a
country road?

The ticket should NOT
be that expensive.

But, at least they extended
my court date from May 10th (this Thursday)
to May 24th.

'Cos I sure as hell don't have
135 dollars & can't come up with it
in three days.


FUCK!

No one reads this.
I don't blame them.

I'm glad that
I know a few good people.


Mini-road trips, long waits,
good music, fun people, dancing,
sleeping in backseats.


Goddamn cough, goddamn clogged throat.




The consequences of existence
turn out to be pretty wonderful
after everything is over.

You always hope
that grief will end
up teaching you something.






But, it honestly doesn't.


I'm just going nowhere,
don't wait up.

You made my Spring Break.

I miss you already,

like to tell you about my life as of late.
But, I won't.
You know why?

Because, the life of a soon-to-be twenty year old
is even less than the life of a twentysomething.

Even if things seem interesting while I'm living them,
they're not in all actuality.